FAMILY WORK

LOST IN GRIEF

Helping you find direction through your grief journey

Hello again,

How have you been coping this week? Have you found something helped in particular? Do you have support from family, friends or a professional? It is important to keep people around you so that you don’t isolate yourself while grieving.

During my work experience, I would have done family work. This can be powerful if the family are open and honest with each other through the sessions. It can also be enlightening as issues are raised which may surprise some members of the family.

On one occasion, I met with a family of three, a mother and her two daughters. The husband/father had died a year before and the mother was concerned about her youngest daughter who she described as ‘trapped in her grief’. She was eleven years old. Her older sister was seventeen. Our first session was an introduction and explanation of how the sessions would work and if the family wanted to proceed. I explained that each would get a chance to speak and be heard. Also, some issues may be raised that some members of the family would be uncomfortable with. Each of the family spoke in turn. The mother said she was happy to continue with the sessions if it would help her youngest daughter. eldest daughter stated that she was here to help her younger sister in any way she could. I then asked the youngest daughter what she would like from the sessions and she answers:

” I would like our first session to be all together. Then I would like a session on my own with Lorraine. Then one or two sessions with my older sister. I think the final session should be all of us.”

The mother looked a bit surprised but the family agreed.

The young girl was very open about her feelings and what she struggled with since her dad’s death. Through some child friendly activities to help her talk about her worries, it can about that she couldn’t forgive herself for not giving her dad a drink of her orange juice while he was in hospital. She described that she couldn’t even look at that brand of juice without feeling nauseated.

At the next session with her older sister we talked about this openly. The young girl had done some drawing the previous week showing her dad in the hospital bed and her saying ‘no’ when he asked for a drink. She showed them to her sister. The older sister then asked if she remembered that their dad was not allowed liquids and that there had been a sign above his bed stating this. She even remembered that the nurse had reminded her on the way into the room that she was not to give her dad any drink. The young sister slowly remembered this and the relief on her face was noticeable.

At our final session, all of the family were present and we talked over the previous sessions and to issues and topics discussed. They all agreed that they had benefited by talking openly together.

Thinking back on this case, it reminds me that even the smallest of memories can cause upset but once it is out in the open it gives us another chance to look at it and hopefully resolve it.

Do you have memories or thoughts that overwhelm you? To you find yourself constantly revisiting them? What, if anything, have you done about it?

In our grief, we often find ourselves ruminating over ‘what if’, ‘if only’, ‘why didn’t I’. Try focussing on one issue and try looking at it from another angle or talk it over with someone you trust. It might make a difference.

If you can’t find someone to talk with, you could try keeping a journal. In the evening, you could write about your day, what helped, what didn’t help. You could write a few words to your loved one explaining how you feel. It doesn’t have to be a lengthy article, it could be a few sentences, but try and write at least one thing positive. Small things can make a big difference.

THE LAST WORD

So, my next travels will be to Portugal in a few weeks time. It will be with my three friends and we have been going on holiday together for several years. As four women with children and grandchildren we have a lot in common. We talk openly together and have a lot of fun. I am so grateful for my friends. We have come through a lot together, death, illness and family issues, so our time together is special. Have you a holiday planned? Even a day out with a friend? I hope so.

Remember:

Grief is individual;

Grief has no timeline’

Until next time,

Lorraine