CHILDREN IN GRIEF

LOST IN GRIEF

Helping you find direction through your grief journey

Hello again,

This week I am writing from my kitchen table overlooking my back garden. After a few days of glorious weather, we are back to rain and thunderstorms. Later this week my two granddaughters aged 4 and 2, will be staying with me for a ‘sleep over’. I love that they question everything and accept answers easily. I know this will change as they become older.

Children grieve, they just grieve differently than adults. We often relate children’s grief to ‘puddle jumping’ as a child can ask a question about death one minute then follow that by asking what’s for dinner. Younger children do not have the vocabulary to express how they feel so you may sees changes in their behaviour. If a child has lost a parent, they may become more attached to the survivng parent. Questions such as;

“Where are you going?’

‘How long will you be?’

These types of behaviour are normal and you can help by reassuring the child what will remain normal in their routine. This will help them navigate their grief. Do you have children in your family? Have you noticed changes in their behaviourChildren’s understanding of death depends not only on their age but their cultural and religious background as well as their previous experience of death. A child’s first experience of death may be a pet. This can provide a good opportunity to explain death. The pet does not feel anything, he doesn’t need food or feel cold.

As a rule of thumb, children do not understand the finality of death, until around seven years old. This makes it difficult for adults in the family as they explain to children that their mum or dad (or whoever they have lost) will not be coming back. Some parents have told me that is emotional exhausting explaining that their loved one will not be coming back for Christmas or their birthday. Children seem to accept this at the time but in a few more days or weeks they will ask the same questions again.

As children become older, they have a deeper understanding of the finality of death. They realise that death is universal. They also begin to understand that death does not just happen to older people but that anyone of any age can die. I remember my grandson at 7 years old was asking me my age and the age of his grandfather as he tried to understand who would die next.

The same grandson keeps a stuffed toy bunny in his bed each night. It was given to him by my dad when he was six months old. My dad died shortly afterwards but for my grandson, even though he doesn’t remember my dad, the bunny is a link and it’s important to him.

Teenagers are a group that we should pay attention to. They are already going through biological and social changes. This in turn allows for changes in their behaviour. When grief is added to the mix it can become difficult to understand if their behavioural changes is because of their age or their grief. Try and talk to teenagers as adults and remember that not every change in their behaviour will be related to their grief.

Some adults hide their grief from children in the family as they try to stay strong. However, children have to learn how to grieve and they can only do this by example. It’s OK to show children that you are crying and that today is a bad day. This opens communication within the family and allows children to express their feelings. Grief in children can be a long process and as they become older, they may ask more questions.

Don’t forget that you are grieving as well and you may need additional professional help. I have facilitated groups for bereaved children and these are particularly helpful. Listening to the stories of other children helps reduce the child’s isolation in grief. It also helps open communication within the family.

THE LAST WORD

I hope that you find some of the content here, useful. I will start and prepare for my granddaughters arrival. If the weather is good we will go out for a walk along the harbour. At the ages of 2 and 4, they are easily pleased with any activity. It’s an opportunity to make some good memories and we are looking forward to it.

Remember:

Grief is individual;

Grief has no timeline.

Until next time,

Lorraine