SORTING OUT

LOST IN GRIEF

Helping you find direction through your grief journey

Hi everyone,

This week I have been enjoying a few days of lovely weather here in Bangor Co. Down. I have been able to sit in the garden and read. In the evenings I have started to ‘sort out’ clothes and belongings. What will I keep? What will I pass on to a charity shop? We can have an attachment to anything and that can sometimes make it difficult to let things go. I spent a good ten minutes deciding over a pair of shoes that I have never worn and are much too high. In my head I know they should go, but in my heart they are lovely and I might just have an occasion to wear them.

As for clothes that no longer fit, I find it much easier to let go of clothes that are too big but hold on to clothes that are too small believing that one day, they will fit.

I have outfits that remind me of special occasions that I keep in the back of my wardrobe. Where does all this stuff come from? Why is it so difficult to let it go?

CONNECTIONS IN GRIEF

Some items can be valuable in the grieving process. It can help us retain a connection with the person we have lost. It can help us remember times with our loved one. I have a keepsake box in memory of my dad. It holds sympathy cards, photos, his wallet and a few other bits and pieces. It has sentimental value even though as the years pass, I look at it less. Mementos and keepsakes can be a source of comfort.

I have often been asked how long should you keep the clothes and belongings of a loved one after their death. The answer is, ‘As long as you want”. Some people struggle to let go of anything and that’s ok. It’s what helps you and gives you comfort. If it is something you want to do but find it too difficult, my advice would be to do it in stages and not be pressurised by family and friends.

I remember a lady who kept a sweatshirt belonging to her husband for five years after he died. She told me she wore it sometimes for comfort. On morning she woke up and looked at the sweatshirt and said, ‘Its time for you to go”. She explained that it was no longer a connection for her.

CHILDREN AND MEMENTOS

A memory box is a useful tool for children. While working with children and young people in the past either individually or in a group, we would suggest making a memory box. Sometimes these were simple shoe boxes. We would provide a variety of catalogues for the children to cut pictures from and decorate the shoe box. The children would cut out pictures of gardening tools because their dad liked to garden or pictures of baking sets because their mum liked to bake. Once the boxes were decorated, the children could place their mementos inside. Simple things like a comb, a driving license, perfume, spectacles and photos. These memory boxes can be looked and added to as often the child needs.

Do you have concerns about mementos? Have you found comfort from them? Can you select items that have a certain attachment for you? Sometimes we have to deal with the practicalities of keeping everything that belonged to them. Maybe you have moved to a smaller house and unable to take everything with you. In situations like these you need to choose items that you are most attached to.

THE LAST WORD

In my summerhouse (aka garden shed), I have a fishing rod that belonged to my dad. I also have a frame of some of the flies he tied. I enjoy looking at them and remembering. I have sorted out a lot of clothes and shoes now ready for the charity shop. I feel much lighter and feel I have accomplished something. However, I might just put those shoes back into my wardrobe. You never know, I might be able to wear them somewhere!

Remember

Grief is individual

Grief has no timeline

Until next time,

Lorraine