ANGER

LOST IN GRIEF

Helping you find direction through your grief journey

Hi everyone,

This week I am writing from Markethill again as we spend time with our family. Unfortunately, we have had a death in my extended family. A lovely lady, Muriel, who was loved by her close family and friends and will be sadly missed. She died peacefully which I hope will help the family find some comfort.

Not all deaths are peaceful and those grieving can often feel intense anger as they blame others on the cause of death.

Anger can be a normal part of the grieving process as loved ones try and make sense of what has happened. Sometimes this anger can be directed at a particular person, for example a motorist driving under the influence of alcohol or a doctor misdiagnosing a serious illness. You might be angry at the person who has died for not trying further treatment or not attending medical appointments. You might feel angry at God for not answering your prayers. You might be angry at yourself for not making them visit the doctor earlier.

Blame and anger are normal parts of the grieving process as we try and make sense of what has happened and why. However, on some occasions, anger can mask other emotions.

‘I sat with anger long enough until she told me her name was grief’

I remember a lady a few years ago was attending a bereavement session who talked about the anger she felt while grieving her husband.

“It’s not fair. He was such a good man, kind and loving. Yet he died. Why him?

Can you identify this in yourself or others in your family? Do you still feel angry?

ANGER AS A COPING MECHANISM

Anger is a stage in the grief process but not everyone will experience it. Anger appears when we cannot control a situation and death is one of those situations.

One positive side of experiencing anger is that it can act as a coping mechanism during grief. For some of us, being angry allows us to avoid the overwhelming sadness of grief.

EXAMPLE

While on holiday in Spain last year I was talking to a man who was on a golfing holiday with some fiends. He told me that his younger brother had died several months earlier from an illness which he didn’t share with his family. The man told me how angry he felt at his brother for not confiding in him. How he would have spent more time with him had he known. His anger carried over into his family life.

“Everything made me angry. Even small things would lead to me shouting and my behaviour was out of control. After a long conversation with my wife, she suggested I speak to a professional. That really helped.”

DEALING WITH ANGER

Anger can mask other underlying feelings but there are some ways to help deal with that.

*Find a quiet space and speak to the person who died

*Talk openly about your anger to a trusted friend

*If you are angry with God, speak with your minister or Chaplain

*See professional help

*Arrange to meet a medical professional to discuss misdiagnosis or treatments which may have been missed. Remember that it is unlikely you will find answers to all of your questions but it still may be helpful.

THE LAST WORD

With the funeral over, we leave our family in Markethill. I reflect on conversations between the family and how they shared their memories of Muriel and the things she loved. She loved being included in her family and especially birthday parties for the younger children, who she adored. She enjoyed eating out and especially her ‘sweet treats’. She once said she was happy every day of her life. What a gift. Goodnight Muriel.

Remember:

Grief in individual

Grief has no timeline

Until next time,

Lorraine