RELATIONSHIPS AND ROLES

LOST IN GRIEF

Helping you find direction through your grief journey

Hello again,

RELATIONSHIPS

When we are grieving, we are not only grieving the loss of the person, but the relationship we had with them. I remember working with a young boy who was grieving the death of his grandfather. This comment was made by a member of staff at the time,

“At least he isn’t grieving his father”

Now, I know that the member of staff meant no harm by this remark because in society we assume that your grief is more complex if you have lost a close family member. In fact, the nature of the relationship you had with the person who died is more important.

In the example above, this young boy was being raised by his grandparents. He had a closer relationship with his grandfather than his father. He had lost not only his grandfather but the relationship they had and the role he played in the boys life. Other losses that society may go unrecognised in children, is the loss of a teacher, mentor, coach or neighbour.

ROLES

The relationship and roles you have as a couple for example, can have an impact on your grief. Couples often share roles within a relationships, many of them unplanned. I have worked with adults who have had to learn new roles during their grief journey. They have made statements, such as:

*”He always looked after the bills and money. I don’t know where to start”

*”My car is due for MOT. I don’t know how to manage this”

*”She took everything to do with the children’s school. I don’t know where to begin”

We need to learn new roles when we lose a partner. That takes time and patience. Ask others for help. Those close to you want to help but often don’t recognise what you need. For those of you who had been carers of the person you have lost, you have lost that role as well. Linking in with professionals; timing of appointments and dispensing medication for examples. Remember, practical support in grieving is as useful as emotional support.

GRIEVING STYLES

I have written in my past blogs about different types of grieving styles. (instrumental and intuitive grievers). There are other grieving styles, for example, disenfranchised grief. This is when grief is hidden because society doesn’t recognise it. Grieving over an ex-partner for example might be difficult for others to understand. I remember during the height of the Aids epidemic when partners suppressed their grief because it wasn’t socially recognised.

In an ideal world you have support from family, friends and society as you journey through grief. Unfortunately, we don’t live in an ideal world. Some adults and children are grieving an abusive partner or parent. This can lead to a complex mix of feelings. Relief that the person has gone, suppressing feelings and grieving a relationship you never had. For some people, they may have kept their abuse hidden from others. For those family and friends who were aware of the abuse, it can be difficult for them to understand the reason you are grieving. They feel you should be relieved the the person is out of your life.

ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP

During my work in palliative care, I met the husband of a patient who was at end of life stage. I would meet with him most days and over time he shared with me the abusive relationship he had with his wife. She had been physical and emotionally abusive towards him during their marriage. On two occasions he left the family home but returned when she promised things would be better. However nothing changed. He didn’t tell anyone that his wife was abusive and controlled all aspects of his life, he carried this alone. He told me that he had always believed that things would get better. When she was at end of life stage he visited his wife ever day. He fed her lunch and sat with her until late afternoon. He then went home for a few hours and returned in the evening to sit with her again. He was very attentive to her. I asked him if it was difficult for him to be so attentive when she had been abusive towards him. He replied:

“Well, its like this. I tried throughout my marriage to improve things but it never happened. Yes, she was abusive but I made the decision that I would care for her throughout her illness.. That way, when she dies, I will have nothing to feel guilty about”

It may be difficult for some of us to understand his approach but it was his decision. When his wife died, I went down to meet him on the ward. As he approached me he opened his arms and gave me a hug.

“She’s gone. Thank you for listening”

He appeared to be relaxed and at ease with himself. For me, this story brings up the concept of Anticipatory Grief. This is when you begin to anticipate what your life will look like when the person dies. On some occasions, people are not aware that they are doing this. I will look at Anticipatory Grief in a future blog. Can you relate to his story?

CLOSURE

Many grievers lack closure.

*I wish I told him…

*She never knew….

*I regret…..

This is common in grief. There are some ways that can help you gain closure. You can speak to them in a place you feel close to them. At the graveside or somewhere special to both of you. Tell them how you are feeling. Tell them what was left unsaid. Write a letter and include what was left unsaid.

I remember taking a bereavement group for children and on our last session we asked the children to write a letter or draw a picture for the person who had died. As with all the activities, staff joined in as well. We gave out paper, pens and crayons. Each child went to a space in the room to carry out their task. I decided to write a letter to my grandmother who had died several months earlier. I started to write:

Dear granny,

“Its been a long time since I’ve heard your voice”

I lump formed in my throat and it was difficult for me to continue. I looked around the room and looked at the children, furrowed brows, chewing the end of their pencils, deep in thought and concentration as they formed their words and drew their pictures. I thought ‘grief is hard work’, and it is.

Writing a letter, talking or drawing can externalise your feelings. This can help as you journey through grief. Is this something you have tried? Would you be willing to try?

Can you identify with anything in this blog that would help with closure? I hope this blog has made you think about those who may be disenfranchised grievers.

Mitch Albom

THE LAST WORD

So, we are getting ready to leave Markethill. The candles blown out, the cake eaten and photographs taken. Goodbye hugs and kisses. We’ve had a lovely day. All part of building relationships and making memories

Remember:

Grief is individual.

There is no timeline on grief.

Until next time,

Lorraine