LOSS OF A CHILD

Lost in Grief

Helping you find direction through your grief journey

Hello again and welcome back.

I am not on my travels this week but sitting in my local cafe writing my blog. The coffee is lovely and the cafe is busy due the schools mid-term break. It might just be a bit too noisy to sit here and write for much longer. I’m looking at families and couples coming and going. Some people sitting alone, like myself. I like ‘people watching’.

This week I am writing about how families cope after the death of their child. I am aware that there are many other types of loss, which are also painful. Families who are estranged, families who have experienced miscarriage, and families who are still searching for missing children. The loss is still painful as you lose not only the child, but the future you had planned to share with them.

In my experience of offering bereaved support, I briefly share some of my own losses. The reason I do this it to explain that I will never say, ‘I know how you feel’ to someone who has lost a partner, because I don’t. But I will share some similarities.

Before my children were born, we had two miscarriages. The first one was at 10 weeks. I had support from my family but many people didn’t acknowledge our loss. I returned to work a week later and it was never mentioned again. I was 21 weeks pregnant when I had my second miscarriage. I had attended for a scan, as my doctor was concerned. I remember lying on an examination couch with a nurse to my right and a doctor to my left. As the doctor proceeded with the scan, I heard the words.

“The foetus is dead. No movement.”

I looked up to the doctor but she had been talking to the nurse, not me. The doctor left the room and the nurse tried her best to offer me support. My mind was a blur. I didn’t know what to do or say. Stephen, my husband, was in the waiting room unaware of what had happened. No one approached him or acknowledged that he was there. I told him outside the waiting room and we both stood looking at each other. He put his arms around me and we made our way home. We were both lost. At this time I had already sorted out my maternity leave dates with work. We had planned what we needed for the baby’s arrival. The baby was supposed to be part of our future, but it was all lost. This happened around 40 years ago and thankfully things are much better both in the medical system and social systems in acknowledging the pain and loss through miscarriage. A common comment from people at that time was,

‘There will be other children’

It made me want to scream!

GROUP SUPPORT

When I worked with groups of bereaved parents the difference in their grieving styles was obvious. The men in the group were instrumental grievers. During the opening of our first group session, we were doing introductions. The men stated that the were there to support their partners. The women, on the other hand, were intuitive grievers. They spoke openly about their loss and were looking forward to getting to know the other bereaved parents in the group.

(You can read more about Instrumental and Intuitive grief in my previous blog, Malaga Memories)

As the session progressed, it was clear that the men in the group found it difficult to ‘join in’. I decided to split the group into two separate groups. I took the mens group and my co-worker took the womens group.

The men shared how difficult it was to talk about the child they had lost. One man said,

“My wife can talk to anybody about our child. She started to cry in the supermarket last week and talked openly to a member of staff about what we were going through. How can she do that?”

These men were instrumental grievers.

In the women’s group they spoke openly. Shared their experiences and cried together. One women stated,

“He goes to work every day, like nothing has happened. He’s planning to run in the marathon to raise money for the hospital. I can’t even be bothered to shower somedays”

These women were intuitive grievers.

I believe it’s important for us to be aware of these different grieving styles, for it helps us understand each other better.

Can you identify which style you follow? Can you identify which style your partner follows? This understanding can help you both in your relationship as you go through your grief together.

GUILT

Guilt can be a common feature in any type of grief. However, loosing a child is something we can never be prepared for. Whether the death is a result of a long illness or a sudden death, it doesn’t matter. In the nature of things, you are not supposed to outlive your child. Our role is to love and care for our children and that never stops.

The guilt of infant death can be very strong as mothers often blame themselves.

*They can look at things they did while pregnant, looking for blame.

*Parents can feel guilty about buying their child a bicycle which later caused an accident.

*Their last words with their child being an argument

*Guilt about not buying their child a gift which they had always wanted

Talking about why you feel guilty can help. Talking about the child you lost can help.

Even for the instrumental grieving men in the group, it helped them to share their stories. They may not have been able to show their feelings but they felt comfortable in each others company. I don’t want to suggest that men don’t show their feelings, because that’s not true. If you read my previous blog, Malaga Memories, you will see that grieving styles are on a continuum, not in boxes.

HOW MANY CHILDREN HAVE YOU?

This can often be a stumbling block for bereaved parents. If someone asks you how many children you have, do you include the child that died in the number? That may lead you having to explain the death of your child and you may not want to do that. If you don’t include the child that died it feels like you are excluding them which makes you feel guilty (guilt again). There is no right or wrong answer. As with other aspects of grief, do whatever gives you the most comfort. Don’t let others tell you what to do or say. This is your loss, your grief.

Group support can be useful, and there are many organisations that specialize in the loss of a child.

When we talk about the loss of a child, we think of young children. However, age is not really relevant. I remember when I worked in palliative care, overhearing a conversation between a mother and her 40 year old son. The young man was unresponsive and was in his final hours of life. His mother held a cup of water to his lips.

“Take a sip of water for your mummy”.

Age doesn’t matter.

THE LAST WORD

Reflecting on my own losses of two miscarriages, I often wonder if they were boys or girls. Who they would look like. What their personalities would have been. Even after all of these years, I would still like to create a memory to them. I enjoy my garden and wondered if I should plant something in their memory. What stops me? I worry in case the plants wouldn’t grow. This year I am definitely doing something about it. Even after all of these years I still think of them.

Be gentle on yourself as you journey through your grief. The cafe I’m sitting in is loud but it doesn’t bother me. It’s life.

Remember.

Grief is individual

There is no timeline on grief

Until next time,

Lorraine