BEREAVED CHILDREN

LOST IN GRIEF

• Facebook

Helping you find direction through your grief journey

Hi everyone,

This week I am once again writing from my dad’s desk in my spare room. This week I will be focussing on how children cope with loss and sharing a past trip to beautiful Barcelona. I love Barcelona. The colourful and quirky Gaudi architecture can be seen throughout the city.

BARCELONA

I remember a few years back visiting the Sagrada Familia church in Barcelona. It was designed by Antoni Gaudi and the guide was telling us how Gaudi was famous for the architecture of many buildings in Barcelona and had dedicated his life to the Sagrada Familia. At the age of 73 he was taking his daily walk when he was hit by a tram and left unconscious. Because of how he was dressed, people walking by assumed he was a beggar and ignored him. Eventually, someone placed him in a taxi and sent him to hospital where he received basic care. He never regained consciousness and it was three days before his body was identified.

This led to me having a conversation with an elderly man in our group. We were chatting about the sadness of the death and this led to him telling me about the death of his father when he was eleven years old. He described his mother as very forward thinking for that time period as she explained to him that his father was dying and he might want to spend more time with him and talk to as time was short. The man explained that he felt very included and supported in what was going on. He attended the funeral and the coffin was in front of the church. When the coffin was carried from the church his mother explained that her cousin would be taking him back home and that she would meet him there later with the rest of the family. He told me how this really confused him. He had been told that his father was dying and attended the funeral. He believed that whatever was going to happen next must be terrifying if his mother did not want him to be present. He imagined different scenarios of what happened after the funeral. The next funeral he attended was the father of his friend when he was 15 years old. He told me how nervous he was as he followed the coffin after the service. He arrived at the graveside and thought to himself, ‘now I will find out’. After the burial he thought, “how did my mother tell me that my father was dying, let me attend the funeral but not let me attend the burial? What did she think she was protecting me from?”

As adults we want to protect our children from the sadness and pain of loss. In reality, this is unavoidable. Children will ‘overhear’ conversations or come to their own conclusions of understanding grief.

SOME THEORY

“Children are the forgotten grievers“

Children grieve deeply as adults but show it through their behaviour. Children learn how to grieve by copying adults.

Young children will often ‘Puddle Jump” in their grief. They can ask a deep question about death one moment then ask what’s for dinner in the next.

Children aged 3-5 years, believe that death is reversible. “When daddy comes back from heaven for my birthday”

Children aged 5-9 years begin to realise that death is final but it happens to other people.

Children over the age of 10 years understand that death is final and inevitable.

This is only a rough guide, as children’s understanding of death will be influenced by their culture, faith, previous experiences of death, family and support, life experiences and individuality. Not every child of the same age will react in the same way.

Teenagers are already going through many changes and if grief is added to this it can often be overlooked. As a guideline, treat teenagers as adults. Explain to them what is going on. Share how you feel and some of the struggles you are going through. This can make them feel included and supported.

Try not to hide your grief from children and young people. You do not need to be strong all of the time. It’s OK to cry. You can explain that today is not a good day and you feel sad but you know that you will feel better soon. This will allow children to see your grief and they will learn from it.

CASE STUDY

I was asked to visit two bereaved children in their home a few months after the death of their father. The mother explained to me that neither of her two daughters have spoken about their father since his death and she was becoming concerned. “It’s like he never existed” she said. I arranged to see the girls in their own home bur separately. As I waited in the living room I noticed there were no family photos on view but that was not too unusual. I spoke to the youngest child first. She was bright and chatty and spoke easily about her dad and what he was like. I explained that I never had met her dad and asked if she had a photo of him. She shrugged her shoulders and said ‘no’.

I had a similar conversation with her older sister who also didn’t have a photo of her dad. When the sessions with the children were over, the mother and I had a catch up chat. I told her that the children spoke about their dad quite openly. She was surprised. I then asked her what the conversations with her daughters were like when she spoke of their dad. “oh, I don’t talk about him with them. it’s just too sad.”

I suggested that she try and start these conversations in an easy way for example.,” I was thinking about your dad today and the time….”. I also suggested they look at some photos together and share the memories. Children can cope with the sadness of grief if they are supported through it.

There is a lovely animated film called “Inside Out”. The film deals with the emotions of a little girl and describes how we try and keep children protected from sadness. You might find watching it with young children will give you the opportunity to start talking about emotions, especially sadness. Remember you are grieving and supporting bereaved children as well. This can be overwhelming. Look for available support from schools, churches and groups.

I truly believe that bereaved children should be included in the grieving process. When talking to children try and use simple straightforward language and be clear in what you are saying. I remember the story of a little boy leaving school during break time and was found a short time later waiting at a bus stop. The teacher asked him what he was doing. He said, “I’m waiting on my dad. He’s on a journey and I want to meet him coming back”. The teacher was aware that the boys father had died and spoke to his mother at the end of the school day. She said that it was her fault as she couldn’t use the word ‘died’ to her son, so she said that his dad was on a long journey. As a mother and grandmother, I know I try to protect children from the sadness in life. We try our best. You won’t get things right all of the time, none of us can. So don’t be hard on yourself but do try to use real words.

THE LAST WORD

As a child, can you remember a time when you experienced a feeling of loss?

*The most common one would be getting separated from a parent in a large store.

*Being sent to a neighbours home while there was a crisis at your home but not being told why.

*Someone in hospital but you were not allowed to visit

Can you remember the feelings? At the time you may not have been able to express those feeling in words. What helped you at that time? What made things worse?

My memory is of being in school aged 4. I was put on the ‘naughty chair’ for talking too much during class. While I was sitting there, the principle came in to visit. It was her birthday and we had been practising singing ‘Happy Birthday” As we stood to sing I remember wanting to go home. I knew I only had to cross two streets to be home with my mum. If someone had asked me at the time how I was feeling, I would not have been able to answer I didn’t have the words. When I reflect back on that day, I was embarrassed.

Children don’t always have the words to express their feelings its up to adults to help them.

I am on a journey again next week as I met up with my three close friends for a night in Belfast. We are four women who go on a holiday together every year and a few nights as well throughout the year. We all have our own experiences of grief and loss but when we get together it’s great fun. We laugh together and support each other (and drink wine). Try and use the support available to you. Remember the the Loss and Restoration model from my previous blog, ‘Waves’? Have a look at it again and see how you manage restoration.

Remember:

*Grief is individual

*There is no timeline on grief

(I am planning on starting a podcast in the next few weeks. I’ll keep you up to date on this through my blog.)

Until next time,

Lorraine.