MALAGA MEMORIES

LOST IN GRIEF

Helping you find direction through your grief journey

Hi everyone,

Welcome to my second Blog. This week I am writing from my summerhouse (a shed) in my back garden. It is small but comfortable, is well insulated and has a few cosy chairs and a small fire. I like to spend time out here to gather my thoughts and have some alone time.

When we are grieving, we sometimes need others around us. Often, after the death of someone we love, there are many people calling in to visit. They can offer a listening ear allowing you to talk about your loss. However, this can fade over the coming weeks as people return to their normal routines. At these times you may feel alone and that no-one understands what you are going through. Some people prefer to be left alone and find it intrusive when people visit. But we all grieve differently and while some people want to talk about their loss, others do not.

The theory of Instrumental and Intuitive grieving styles

Instrumental Grievers:

Are unlikely to talk openly about their loss, but will ask lots of questions. “How long does grief last?” “What is the grief process?” “Where can I get more information?” These types of grievers will often be the ones to make funeral arrangements and focus on any organising that is needed.

As they often don’t display their grief, they can sometimes be labelled as ‘cold’ or ‘in denial’.

This is not the case as it is a reflection on how they are coping with their grief. Is this how you grieve? Can you see it in bereaved family members or friends?

How to support the instrumental griever:

Don’t ask them “How do you feel?” It’s unlikely they will be able to answer.

Do ask them, ‘What did you do?” “What were you thinking at that time?”

Intuitive Grievers:

Are openly emotional and talkative. They will tell stories and recount meaningful memories of the person they have lost. They will welcome people to talk to and share their emotions easily.

Is this how you cope with grief? Can you see it in bereaved family members or friends?

How to help the instrumental griever. Allow the person to talk and tell their story. The more often they does this the more it helps them to accept their loss. Validate their feelings. They may also accept group support to talk openly about their loss.

Instrumental grieving is seen as a male way of grieving, while intuitive grieving is seen as female. However, people cannot be categorised in one box. Instrumental/Intuitive grieving is on a continuum with most of us falling somewhere between the two. This is called ‘Blended Grieving‘

This theory may help you towards recognising the type of griever you are and help you recognise it in others. When you are aware of how others grieve, it helps with communication and understanding which is particularly relevant between partners and family members. How often do we hear people saying; ‘S/he hasn’t shed a tear since the death’; S/he never speaks of her; ‘S/he talks about him all the time. S/he needs to move on’.

We need to remind ourselves that there is no right or wrong way to grieve, as long as it causing you no harm. Theories help towards this understanding.

As I sit here in my summerhouse, I am looking at the posters that decorate the walls. Each representing a country or town we have visited. One of them is Malaga, a city we (my husband, Stephen and i) both love. For the past several years, we have been visiting during the month of December. The city is beautifully decorated for Christmas with light shows every evening in Calle Larios.

Last December, we were sitting outside a cafe when my Stephen noticed an elderly gentleman walking up and down by the cafe. Stephen asked the man if he needed help. He said that he was lost and couldn’t find his way back to the hotel. He became tearful and we asked him to join us. We did eventually find his hotel but during his time with us he told me about his loss. His wife had died the previous year and he decided to take a short break in Malaga as they had both visited often. He regretted this decision as everywhere he went held painful memories of his wife. He spoke openly about his grief while I listened. As he got up to leave he hugged me and thanked me for listening. Stephen walked him to his hotel. It was clear that he was an intuitive griever through sharing his loss with strangers. He talked about his memories and about what he would do differently if he returned.

Don’t be afraid to listen to someone grieving for they are not expecting you to do anything but listen.

THE LAST WORD

Just off the Paseo Del Parque, in Malaga there is a Christmas memory tree. A table sits beside the tree holding little cards and pens for you to use to write a few words to a loved one you have lost.

This is me placing a card in memory of my dad.

The picture below is of my sister-in-law Claire placing a card in memory of her husband Allister.

Have you made memories or started rituals on special dates for your loved one? If you have, has it helped? If you haven’t, would you try?

Remember, everyone grieves differently. There is no right or wrong way to grieve and it doesn’t have a timeline.

Until next time,

Lorraine